• I will not use your name, ever.
• I will change your name and any identifying information if I use any of your story.
• I will keep all of the info strictly confidential as part of my ethics and confidentiality pledge.
• I will only add you to my email list if you go to my home page and fill in the request form.

• Believe It is possible for kid's to learn to eat well and enjoy it.
• Connect with child while providing food. To create pleasant eating experiences feed children while touching, making eye contact, smiling and a slight "yes" nod of the head. Humans are social and the sharing and giving of food is a nurturing behavior and a basic way to create a bond with a child.

• Make sure you offer hugs or other forms of nurturing to a child who is upset instead of always offering food.

• Use very little processed foods. For us, this included commercial baby foods and many of the prepared snacks that are common to give babies, toddlers and kids. And no, I didn't elaborately prepare my own baby food. While I hold that as a lovely idea, it just wasn't high on my priority list as a single mom with the resources available to me. What I did was get a bit creative using the foods that I ate myself, which could be prepared baby and toddler. And I trusted my baby to explore food and eat as her body told her to without me forcing or cajoling.
• Use food with very little additives. Become a label reader to avoid chemicals and especially high fructose corn syrup.
• Use food that is as close to natural state as possible as snacks. Broccoli florets, carrot sticks, edamame, hard-boiled eggs, corn on the cob (cooked or raw), cherry tomatoes, skinless and boneless sardines, watermelon, etc...
• Take those snacks outside. Often kids will eat foods outside that they won't consider at the table.
• Use very little processed sugar. I'm always looking for alternatives. There are a lot out there. (Look for my next post for some great summer ideas)

• easier
• happier
• more fun
• more enjoyable
• more connected
• less stressful

MOTHER'S DAY 2007

I spent my Mother's Day alone with my 15-month old daughter and I loved it.

In fact, this experience turned around my idea of what Mother's Day is all about. I guess I'd never really thought about it before, but just sort fell in with the notion that Mother's Day was when moms don't cook, wash dishes, feed the cat, feed the fish, feed the kids, etc. Instead, family takes care of that stuff and mother receives.

That wasn't my experience today. My daughter is my family and while she does feed me by shoving veggie booty in my mouth when she decides I should have some, its not quite the same as the receiving of a meal.

Today I "chopped wood and carried water" (as in “Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water” the Zen proverb that speaks to changes in perception and finding inner peace in the mundane). I've had a change of heart about what I value in a Mother's Day celebration.

Instead of being on the receiving end of gratitude for all that I do as a mom, I gave thanks for the opportunity to be a gentle, loving, empathetic mother. I decided to enjoy every mundane moment, and there are quite a few in the life of single mother and young child.

I have so much joy in my heart that my child is in my life, though my intention had been to give her (and myself) a different family experience. Regardless, I spent the day in gratitude and joy. That doesn't mean that I denied the sadness, just that I can acknowledge it, provide myself with empathy and then move on to enjoy every minute of mothering this precious being who has joined me.

In doing so, I model for her, as Magical Child author Joseph Chilton Pearce said, by becoming the kind of person I want her to be.

• Explain about food sticking to teeth. We've even made a game of what types of food we need to brush off our teeth from what we've eaten that day.
• Be very precise with your words and let them know exactly what to do with the brush. Children are very literal with language.
• Model, model, model. Make sure child sees you brushing, as children want to be like those they are attached to.
• Avoid power struggles. When a power struggle seem eminent and your child is a heavy sleeper, or during a phase of heavy sleep, you can use a washcloth or one of those rubber finger brushes and swipe around in the child's mouth.
• Remember that resistance is often a phase, if we don't make it an issue.

• Start out small with an hour or two.
• Give as much as we can by simplifying our lives and making space for dawdling and just being together. Call it an investment, if you will. An investment in our relationships and an investment in our children's education. They need and want it a lot more than the latest toy we think will teach them all about the world.
• Create a relationship that is based on respect for children--for their needs, feelings and thoughts. When we have this, we build trust with the child. Then, when we really need to move more quickly, they'll be more likely to cooperate with that busy New Yorker that is inside most of us.

While I was working today my just-turned-two-year-old brought me this bowl of bean and vegetable birthday soup. I want to share it with you because the colors are just so yummy as are the little hands that delivered it. Following the lead of of Little Bear in the story "Birthday Soup" from the book Little Bear, which she received for her birthday, Ariella presented me with her creation with such joy. We have read “Birthday Soup” over and over and OVER and OVER again in the last few days. If you have a young child, I bet you understand my emphasis here quite well.

"Birthday Soup" captivates my daughter and has definitely shaped her play. The influential nature of media has had me thinking for quite a while as well as culling children’s books around here. If nothing else, by the simple act of repetition, children are internalizing the language, story lines and pictures. And I believe there is much more to it than the repetition.

As we discuss in the Connection Parenting Workshops, children learn most everything by what they see, hear and experience. The American writer James Baldwin sums it up well: "Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they never fail to imitate them." In the beginning, parents are children’s most prominent models. As children grow older, though, most of us want to continue to influence their lives. But how many of us parent with the awareness that the level of guidance children accept from us depends on their attachment to us or, in other words, the amount of connection they feel with us?

So back to Little Bear as Ariella’s model du jour and his cooking birthday soup for his friends. In spite of reading it over and over, I do see why she loves this story so much. It is an adorable tale as is the first on in the book, “What Will Little Bear Wear?”

As a Family Communications Educator and Life Coach who often focuses on guiding parents into greater connection with children, I have often seen the benefit of increasing awareness about communication styles and parenting practices that do the opposite of our intention, leading to disconnection with those precious beings we love so much. So let’s do that with Little Bear and his mother.

Like many of us, Mother Bear starts out as a loving and supportive parent. It’s about half way through the book that her ability to connect starts to break down. Maybe she's tired and needs more support, more information and more effective communication skills. She definitely hasn't had any help in these stories. According to Pam Leo, "Parenting was never meant to be a one or two person job."

It’s in the book’s third story, “Little Bear Goes to the Moon,” that her negative, limited and disrespectful side starts to show. Mother Bear begins telling Little Bear all of the things that he can’t do. This culminates with her stating flatly why she believes he can’t fly, which he has gone to the extent of building a space helmet to do. “And maybe you are a fat little bear cub with no wings and no feathers,” she says. Huh? Mamma Bear, where'd that come from?

I wouldn’t want someone I love (or anyone for that fact) to talk to me in that way. And what if they did? Well, I certainly wouldn’t feel respected or honored in our interaction. Nor would I feel particularly inclined to cooperate with this person. I would feel hurt and suspect. I would wonder if this person is safe and worthy of trust with the big stuff that this business of living tends to throw at me. Hmmmm….Doubt it.

In the last story, “Little Bear’s Wish” the scenario is similar. Mother Bear again tells Little Bear that he can’t have the wishes that he is daydreaming about before going to sleep at night. What is it about this “voice of reason” that compels people to negate and direct other’s wishes and dreams? Would it not be more loving for Little Bear to experience his mother as someone who believes in him and hears all his wishes without negating them, whether they are reasonable or not? How different would it be growing up close to someone who would talk to him about what he is really thinking about, who for a moment will allow herself to see through his eyes? Is Little Bear learning an early lesson about Mother Bear's ability to listen to him and be on his side?

Children need to experience a parent as an ally. Even if it means adults setting aside that "voice of reason" for a bit and really listening to children’s hopes, dreams and fears, reasonable or not. Children need parents who can empathize and support them. This is one of the touchstones of safety and trust. A child who can trust and feel safe with a parent is much more likely to bring those ever more complicated growing-up issues to them for discussion.

And what about Mother Bear? Could her parents have treated her the same way? Probably. Could the relationship between Little Bear and Mother Bear suffer? Probably. Will Little Bear eventually tire of Mother Bear’s negativity, degrading comments and manipulations? I imagine so. And then what will he do? Look for others to connect with and attach to, usually peers who don’t qualify as the type of guiding figures most parents want for their children? Will Little Bear choose relationships that have the same qualities as the one he’s running from?

It is not my intention to give Mother Bear a hard time. In fact, I've had my own Mother Bear alter-ego at times. Feeling depleted and not having enough support is a one-way road into the bear's den. Mother Bear probably wasn't getting her needs met either. And I doubt she had any awareness of how her actions may impact her child, nor even an awareness that there is another way to parent. The parent must receive what she is to give her child, in some way, from somewhere, from someone. It is my hope that Mother Bear finds that someone.

SIDEBAR: This book is part of the "I Can Read" series, yet in no way am I advocating using these books to teach very young children to read. The ever increasing pressure on children to advance is developmentally risky business. We use them as any other book for a two year old, to enjoy the story and images.