What the Heck Am I Talking About...
moon playing peek-a-boo
My daughter and I were out tonight enjoying this mild NYC August summer evening and the night was just ripe for the making of a HEART MEMORY™
A huge moon played peek-a-boo with us from behind the clouds.
The air temperature kissed my skin.
My daughter's musical laughter and squeals of excitement filled my ears.
She smelled like a mid-summer night's dream.
I could still taste the fresh "juice" we just drank from the center of a green coconut.
Yeah, So WHAT am I talking about?
Well, a HEART MEMORY™ is one of those highlights in our lives (especially with our kids) that we are liable to miss if we aren't paying attention.
If you've been to one of my more recent workshops or worked with me privately then you probably know what a HEART MEMORY is...
And how AMAZING it feels.
If not, here's a peek at it...
Do you ever wish you knew the secret of how to STOP yelling at your kids?
Well, the HEART MEMORY™ is a tool to help moms stop yelling and doing all sorts of things that we mess up and do and then regret.
I'm so excited about it because it WORKS.
After I created it, I started running into all sorts of cutting-edge brain research that explains exactly why it works.
I have even been contacting some of the researchers and setting up interviews to "pick their brains" about it and to see how I can help them get their work out there to all the people that it will help.
(Sorry about that pun--just too much to resist ;)
Stay tuned because...
I'm about the launch the site heartmemory.com, with all the details including: What it is, Why it works, How to use it, How to create them, etc...
I want you to have tools that you can use right away to help you in your relationships with your kids.
You can share your heart memories there also, so go ahead and get 'em ready.
How To Get Kids To Eat Well
as happy as a kid in a cabbage patch?
I have been thinking of writing a post on kids and eating and then changed my mind as it seemed like a tangent away from my focus. But guess what? A recently released research study proved that it is right on topic.
They found the indicator for having kids who eat well was modeling the behavior. That's right--It's not a free-for-all permissiveness, where kids eat whatever they want when they want nor is it authoritarian control, which they describe as "banning certain foods, for instance, or using pressure to get them to eat fruits and vegetables."
The most effective way for parents to have kids who learn how to eat healthful diets is to set some limits and eat that way themselves.
This is somewhat intuitive if you know about how children learn everything in life and how they develop and bond to their caregivers. But some of us, who weren't raised that way, sometimes need to reprogram ourselves, especially with media and many of the people around us unaware of these dynamics.
Let me tell you--I did not learn how to eat healthy from my family or culture. But I decided to reprogram myself and then give my child the advantage of growing up that way, because I knew how challenging it was to overcome eating habits learned in childhood.
Some ideas I use from my child's babyhood on:
- Believe It is possible for kid's to learn to eat well and enjoy it.
- Connect with child while providing food. To create pleasant eating experiences feed children while touching, making eye contact, smiling and a slight "yes" nod of the head. Humans are social and the sharing and giving of food is a nurturing behavior and a basic way to create a bond with a child.
- Make sure you offer hugs or other forms of nurturing to a child who is upset instead of always offering food.
- Use very little processed foods. For us, this included commercial baby foods and many of the prepared snacks that are common to give babies, toddlers and kids. And no, I didn't elaborately prepare my own baby food. While I hold that as a lovely idea, it just wasn't high on my priority list as a single mom with the resources available to me. What I did was get a bit creative using the foods that I ate myself, which could be prepared baby and toddler. And I trusted my baby to explore food and eat as her body told her to without me forcing or cajoling.
- Use food with very little additives. Become a label reader to avoid chemicals and especially high fructose corn syrup.
- Use food that is as close to natural state as possible as snacks. Broccoli florets, carrot sticks, edamame, hard-boiled eggs, corn on the cob (cooked or raw), cherry tomatoes, skinless and boneless sardines, watermelon, etc...
- Take those snacks outside. Often kids will eat foods outside that they won't consider at the table.
- Use very little processed sugar. I'm always looking for alternatives. There are a lot out there. (Look for my next post for some great summer ideas)
Helpful NVC Parenting Video
I ran across this video recently and thought I'd share it with since I've been so absent lately and I wanted to connect and give you something really valuable.
(The Childcare situation is resolved)
Boy, she sure does make it look easy and natural.
In the comments section below this video, I noticed a recurring theme that many parents I work with (and yes, I totally admit it, me at times) act from--The misguided notion that it just takes too much time to communicate in a way that connects us with our children. I've personally seen this land mine of an idea explode all over my own living room on more that one occasion.
Let me introduce you to one of what I like to think of as the Natural Laws of Parenting:
Put The Time In Now Or Put The Time In Later
The Natural Laws are just how life and human nature work. Often in our culture these Natural Laws appear paradoxical and can confuse us. But when we know and accept natural laws, working with them instead of against them, then our lives become:
- easier
- happier
- more fun
- more enjoyable
- more connected
- less stressful
and that is just a few of the benefits.
I'd love to hear from you in the comments below. If you are viewing this in your email, just click the title above and it will take to the post with the comments section.
Let's Talk About Your Key to Unlocking the Secret of Cooperation
"key of life" through james carter's lens: "The key to the door
of the temple at Abu Simbel, Egypt."
Cooperation does seem like a secret at times, doesn't it? An elusive one.
How can we get more cooperation in our relationships, especially with children?
Well, in my New Strengthening Family Connections Workshops (what I call my NYC Parenting and Communication Workshops) I'm going to break it down and show you exactly HOW.
Let me give you a morsel or two, or three so you'll have an idea of what you are in for. here goes...
K is for Knowledge. Knowledge opens soooo many doors in life, so that's where we'll begin. I've planned some hands-on work (work that feels a lot like fun) with my Whole Child Model.™ Guaranteed to increase the knowledge in your head as well as in your heart.
E is for Empathy. Speaking of the heart, this is where we'll really start focusing on it. Absolutely every child (and person) needs someone who is sensitive to what they are going through, no matter what it is. We'll talk about the three most important elements of empathy and what to do when things are heating up and parents are too taxed to give.
Y is for YES! Say "YES" as much as possible, even when it is necessary to say "No." So we've now worked our way down to the topic of control. Here we'll look what to do when we've accepted that parental control is an illusion, as well as counterproductive, and that what children really need is parental connection. Well, what the heck does that look like, you ask? I'll show you next tuesday.
See you then at 6:15 PM or at Metrominis (date and time TBA).
Stay tuned for your discount coupon in the next few days...
Designate a Day for Dawdling
Today, Monday, was a day for dawdling around here. Sunday may work too, or any other day. Whatever it takes, just dawdle. It does wonders for relationships. No pressure. No frustration. No meltdowns (for me) over the amount of time it takes to put on a sock. Well, actually, to catch the foot for the sock.
Instead lots of time for hugs, kisses, laughs, silliness and just smelling the daffodils.
"learn the language of things" --froebel
Dawdling is a fun-sounding word, isn't it? Heard it at David Elkind's lecture on Saturday at the New York Public Library and haven't been able to get it out of my mind. I figured it must be time to do more of it. Elkind, Professor Emeritus at Tufts University, wrote the acclaimed book The Hurried Child. (See Meta-Dad's interview with Elkind on his latest book: The Power of Play)
Elkind likened children's dawdling to adults going to a far-away country. Can you imagine being mesmerized by all sorts of aromatic smells, fascinating textures and intriguing sights and sounds while someone (like a brusque tourist-intolerant New Yorker) behind you hurries you along, constantly interrupting, criticizing and insinuating that you are wrong by your very nature? Not very easy to have a respectful relationship with that going on.
All of this and most of us haven't even left the house. Dawdling can be a real button pusher whenever we want or need to move on, to get somewhere in adult time.
What to do?
- Start out small with an hour or two.
- Give as much as we can by simplifying our lives and making space for dawdling and just being together. Call it an investment, if you will. An investment in our relationships and an investment in our children's education. They need and want it a lot more than the latest toy we think will teach them all about the world.
- Create a relationship that is based on respect for children--for their needs, feelings and thoughts. When we have this, we build trust with the child. Then, when we really need to move more quickly, they'll be more likely to cooperate with that busy New Yorker that is inside most of us.
Think before Shouldn'
want to feel some guilt? should on yourself
want to feel some anger? should on someone
want to feel both and then pass them on? should on children
How Connection Breaks Down Between Mother Bear and Little Bear
a post-birthday bowl of "birthday soup"
While
I was working today my just-turned-two-year-old
brought me this bowl of bean and vegetable birthday
soup. I want to share it with you because the colors
are just so yummy as are the little hands that
delivered it. Following the lead of of Little Bear in
the story "Birthday Soup" from the book
Little Bear,
which
she received for her birthday, Ariella presented
me with her creation with such joy. We have read
“Birthday Soup” over and over and OVER and OVER
again in the last few days. If you have a young
child, I bet you understand my emphasis here quite
well.
"Birthday Soup" captivates my daughter and has
definitely shaped her play. The influential nature of
media has had me thinking for quite a while as well
as culling children’s books around here. If nothing
else, by the simple act of repetition, children are
internalizing the language, story lines and pictures.
And I believe there is much more to it than the
repetition.
As we discuss in the Connection Parenting
Workshops,
children learn most everything by what they see,
hear and experience. The American writer
James Baldwin
sums
it up well: "Children have never been very good at
listening to their elders, but they never fail to
imitate them." In the beginning, parents are
children’s most prominent models. As children grow
older, though, most of us want to continue to
influence their lives. But how many of us parent
with the awareness that the level of guidance
children accept from us depends on their
attachment to us or, in other words, the amount of
connection they feel with us?
So
back to Little Bear as Ariella’s model du jour and
his cooking birthday soup for his friends. In spite
of reading it over and over, I do see why she loves
this story so much. It is an adorable tale as is the
first on in the book, “What Will Little Bear Wear?”
As a Family Communications Educator and Life Coach
who often focuses on guiding parents into greater
connection with children, I have often seen the
benefit of increasing awareness about communication
styles and parenting practices that do the opposite
of our intention, leading to disconnection with those
precious beings we love so much. So let’s do that
with Little Bear and his mother.
Like many of us, Mother Bear starts out as a loving
and supportive parent. It’s about half way through
the book that her ability to connect starts to break
down. Maybe she's tired and needs more support, more
information and more effective communication skills.
She definitely hasn't had any help in these stories.
According to Pam Leo, "Parenting was never meant to
be a one or two person job."
It’s in the book’s third story, “Little Bear Goes to
the Moon,” that her negative, limited and
disrespectful side starts to show. Mother Bear begins
telling Little Bear all of the things that he can’t
do. This culminates with her stating flatly why she
believes he can’t fly, which he has gone to the
extent of building a space helmet to do. “And maybe
you are a fat little bear cub with no wings and no
feathers,” she says.
Huh? Mamma Bear, where'd that come
from?
I wouldn’t want someone I love (or anyone for that
fact) to talk to me in that way. And what if they
did? Well, I certainly wouldn’t feel respected or
honored in our interaction. Nor would I feel
particularly inclined to cooperate with this person.
I would feel hurt and suspect. I would wonder if this
person is safe and worthy of trust with the big stuff
that this business of living tends to throw at me.
Hmmmm….Doubt it.
In
the last story, “Little Bear’s Wish” the scenario is
similar. Mother Bear again tells Little Bear that he
can’t have the wishes that he is daydreaming about
before going to sleep at night. What is it about this
“voice of reason” that compels people to negate and
direct other’s wishes and dreams? Would it not be
more loving for Little Bear to experience his mother
as someone who believes in him and hears all his
wishes without negating them, whether they are
reasonable or not? How different would it be growing
up close to someone who would talk to him about what
he is really thinking about, who for a moment will
allow herself to see through his eyes? Is Little Bear
learning an early lesson about Mother Bear's ability
to listen to him and be on his side?
Children need to experience a parent as an ally. Even
if it means adults setting aside that "voice of
reason" for a bit and really listening to children’s
hopes, dreams and fears, reasonable or not. Children
need parents who can empathize and support them. This
is one of the touchstones of safety and trust. A
child who can trust and feel safe with a parent is
much more likely to bring those ever more complicated
growing-up issues to them for discussion.
And what about Mother Bear? Could her parents have
treated her the same way? Probably. Could the
relationship between Little Bear and Mother Bear
suffer? Probably. Will Little Bear eventually tire of
Mother Bear’s negativity, degrading comments and
manipulations? I imagine so. And then what will he
do? Look for others to connect with and attach to,
usually peers who don’t qualify as the type of
guiding figures most parents want for their children?
Will Little Bear choose relationships that have the
same qualities as the one he’s running from?
It is not my intention to give Mother Bear a hard
time. In fact, I've had my own Mother Bear alter-ego
at times. Feeling depleted and not having enough
support is a one-way road into the bear's den. Mother
Bear probably wasn't getting her needs met either.
And I doubt she had any awareness of how her actions
may impact her child, nor even an awareness that
there is another way to parent. The parent must
receive what she is to give her child, in some way,
from somewhere, from someone. It is my hope that
Mother Bear finds that someone.
SIDEBAR: This book is part of the "I Can Read"
series, yet in no way am I advocating using these
books to teach very young children to
read.
The ever increasing pressure on children to
advance is developmentally risky business. We use
them as any other book for a two year old, to
enjoy the story and images.