What the Heck Am I Talking About...
moon playing peek-a-boo
My daughter and I were out tonight enjoying this mild NYC August summer evening and the night was just ripe for the making of a HEART MEMORY™
A huge moon played peek-a-boo with us from behind the clouds.
The air temperature kissed my skin.
My daughter's musical laughter and squeals of excitement filled my ears.
She smelled like a mid-summer night's dream.
I could still taste the fresh "juice" we just drank from the center of a green coconut.
Yeah, So WHAT am I talking about?
Well, a HEART MEMORY™ is one of those highlights in our lives (especially with our kids) that we are liable to miss if we aren't paying attention.
If you've been to one of my more recent workshops or worked with me privately then you probably know what a HEART MEMORY is...
And how AMAZING it feels.
If not, here's a peek at it...
Do you ever wish you knew the secret of how to STOP yelling at your kids?
Well, the HEART MEMORY™ is a tool to help moms stop yelling and doing all sorts of things that we mess up and do and then regret.
I'm so excited about it because it WORKS.
After I created it, I started running into all sorts of cutting-edge brain research that explains exactly why it works.
I have even been contacting some of the researchers and setting up interviews to "pick their brains" about it and to see how I can help them get their work out there to all the people that it will help.
(Sorry about that pun--just too much to resist ;)
Stay tuned because...
I'm about the launch the site heartmemory.com, with all the details including: What it is, Why it works, How to use it, How to create them, etc...
I want you to have tools that you can use right away to help you in your relationships with your kids.
You can share your heart memories there also, so go ahead and get 'em ready.
How To Get Kids To Eat Well
as happy as a kid in a cabbage patch?
I have been thinking of writing a post on kids and eating and then changed my mind as it seemed like a tangent away from my focus. But guess what? A recently released research study proved that it is right on topic.
They found the indicator for having kids who eat well was modeling the behavior. That's right--It's not a free-for-all permissiveness, where kids eat whatever they want when they want nor is it authoritarian control, which they describe as "banning certain foods, for instance, or using pressure to get them to eat fruits and vegetables."
The most effective way for parents to have kids who learn how to eat healthful diets is to set some limits and eat that way themselves.
This is somewhat intuitive if you know about how children learn everything in life and how they develop and bond to their caregivers. But some of us, who weren't raised that way, sometimes need to reprogram ourselves, especially with media and many of the people around us unaware of these dynamics.
Let me tell you--I did not learn how to eat healthy from my family or culture. But I decided to reprogram myself and then give my child the advantage of growing up that way, because I knew how challenging it was to overcome eating habits learned in childhood.
Some ideas I use from my child's babyhood on:
- Believe It is possible for kid's to learn to eat well and enjoy it.
- Connect with child while providing food. To create pleasant eating experiences feed children while touching, making eye contact, smiling and a slight "yes" nod of the head. Humans are social and the sharing and giving of food is a nurturing behavior and a basic way to create a bond with a child.
- Make sure you offer hugs or other forms of nurturing to a child who is upset instead of always offering food.
- Use very little processed foods. For us, this included commercial baby foods and many of the prepared snacks that are common to give babies, toddlers and kids. And no, I didn't elaborately prepare my own baby food. While I hold that as a lovely idea, it just wasn't high on my priority list as a single mom with the resources available to me. What I did was get a bit creative using the foods that I ate myself, which could be prepared baby and toddler. And I trusted my baby to explore food and eat as her body told her to without me forcing or cajoling.
- Use food with very little additives. Become a label reader to avoid chemicals and especially high fructose corn syrup.
- Use food that is as close to natural state as possible as snacks. Broccoli florets, carrot sticks, edamame, hard-boiled eggs, corn on the cob (cooked or raw), cherry tomatoes, skinless and boneless sardines, watermelon, etc...
- Take those snacks outside. Often kids will eat foods outside that they won't consider at the table.
- Use very little processed sugar. I'm always looking for alternatives. There are a lot out there. (Look for my next post for some great summer ideas)
Make it Fun and Your Coupon Code
how's that for cooperation? twice the toothbrushing
No matter what it is, kid's want it to be fun.
One of the little things we do to make toothbrushing more fun is have a variety of brushes, green, blue, pink, electric versions, manual versions, various characters, etc. I only bring two out at a time to keep the choice simple and switch them up every now and again. We even use a wash cloth wrapped around my finger at times.
Some other ways to maintain connection while toothbrushing:
- Explain about food sticking to teeth. We've even made a game of what types of food we need to brush off our teeth from what we've eaten that day.
- Be very precise with your words and let them know exactly what to do with the brush. Children are very literal with language.
- Model, model, model. Make sure child sees you brushing, as children want to be like those they are attached to.
- Avoid power struggles. When a power struggle seem eminent and your child is a heavy sleeper, or during a phase of heavy sleep, you can use a washcloth or one of those rubber finger brushes and swipe around in the child's mouth.
- Remember that resistance is often a phase, if we don't make it an issue.
Just in case you are wondering, Ariella definitely isn't this excited every day when it comes to toothbrushing.
I just thought it was a great photo op--one of those hundreds of funny and ironic things kid's do sometimes and rarely do we have the camera ready.
BTW, Your $5 off Coupon Code is KEY for Tomorrow Night's Workshop (Click here for the details)
Designate a Day for Dawdling
Today, Monday, was a day for dawdling around here. Sunday may work too, or any other day. Whatever it takes, just dawdle. It does wonders for relationships. No pressure. No frustration. No meltdowns (for me) over the amount of time it takes to put on a sock. Well, actually, to catch the foot for the sock.
Instead lots of time for hugs, kisses, laughs, silliness and just smelling the daffodils.
"learn the language of things" --froebel
Dawdling is a fun-sounding word, isn't it? Heard it at David Elkind's lecture on Saturday at the New York Public Library and haven't been able to get it out of my mind. I figured it must be time to do more of it. Elkind, Professor Emeritus at Tufts University, wrote the acclaimed book The Hurried Child. (See Meta-Dad's interview with Elkind on his latest book: The Power of Play)
Elkind likened children's dawdling to adults going to a far-away country. Can you imagine being mesmerized by all sorts of aromatic smells, fascinating textures and intriguing sights and sounds while someone (like a brusque tourist-intolerant New Yorker) behind you hurries you along, constantly interrupting, criticizing and insinuating that you are wrong by your very nature? Not very easy to have a respectful relationship with that going on.
All of this and most of us haven't even left the house. Dawdling can be a real button pusher whenever we want or need to move on, to get somewhere in adult time.
What to do?
- Start out small with an hour or two.
- Give as much as we can by simplifying our lives and making space for dawdling and just being together. Call it an investment, if you will. An investment in our relationships and an investment in our children's education. They need and want it a lot more than the latest toy we think will teach them all about the world.
- Create a relationship that is based on respect for children--for their needs, feelings and thoughts. When we have this, we build trust with the child. Then, when we really need to move more quickly, they'll be more likely to cooperate with that busy New Yorker that is inside most of us.
The Joy of Celebration
early afternoon easter sun. late afternoon shadows in bruce's gardern.
I absolutely adore celebrations. Not only do they provide an opportunity to put my creativity to work on more focused level, now that I am a parent, they also allow me to give to my daughter in a more profound way than I do in the everyday.
Celebrations serve to pass on culture and values to children. Since I am committed to living consciously, I want to make sure that I am making choices in my family, as well as in all areas of my life, that are in-line with my values and beliefs, to make sure that I am living authentically. This is a premise of Life Coaching and one reason that I was drawn to it. I enjoy supporting others in identifying their goals and values and designing their lives according to them. It is all too common to get caught up in everyday pressures, as well as pressures others impose on us, and before we are aware of it, we aren't living authentically. Nor are we parenting authentically.
While I value these more serious elements of celebrations, which include connecting with our own parenting beliefs, connecting with each other and with the transitions of the life, I also believe they are a time to have fun and enjoy each other. That just feels good! And bear with me a moment while I circle back to the previous point, we all learn best when we are having fun. (That's why I make sure my NYC Parenting and Family Workshops are fun, while I'm presenting material that is serious in nature.)
With this commitment to authenticity in mind, I prepared a Easter and Welcoming Spring Celebration with my toddler.
To honor my desire to keep our food as healthful and chemical-free as possible, we went the natural route described on Slashfood when dyeing our Easter Eggs. We used frozen blueberries, one of Ariella's favorite foods. Along with two tsp. of white vinegar, we put them in a pot with just enough water to cover the uncooked eggs.
This dyeing technique was a toddler's dream--sticking her hands in a pot full of purple water and squeezing each of the berries until the juice popped. Below is a photo of the eggs, which will give you an idea as to the actual colors they took on, after boiling for fifteen minutes and then sitting in the water for about two hours. Keep in mind I used brown eggs from the farmer's market, each with its own "imperfection."
the beauty of natural imperfection
Originally, we planned to draw on the eggs with our Stockmar beeswax crayons, but the eggs were so striking that we held off.
While Ariella slept, I placed them on the table with all of the other Spring Bounty: a wooden bowl full of Clementines, a plant that Ariella picked out for herself called pocketbook flower, and a basket full of some of her other favorites, including grapes, plastic eggs with balls inside, bubbles and almond cupcakes with Cacao Bliss icing. And a stuffed bunny acting as a sentinel to keep Kitty away.
The next morning, I was behind the scenes, as we parents often are, quietly experiencing a heart filled with the joy of giving and watching with wonder at my child's discoveries.
Later we took the baskets out for our picnic and the Easter bunny made off with the eggs, hiding them at the base of a copse of trees. After we found them, we went looking for that mischievous bunny, who left his ears behind.
i heard he went that-a-way, around the corner!
I'd love to hear how all of you celebrate. I invite you to share in the comments section below:
How Connection Breaks Down Between Mother Bear and Little Bear
a post-birthday bowl of "birthday soup"
While
I was working today my just-turned-two-year-old
brought me this bowl of bean and vegetable birthday
soup. I want to share it with you because the colors
are just so yummy as are the little hands that
delivered it. Following the lead of of Little Bear in
the story "Birthday Soup" from the book
Little Bear,
which
she received for her birthday, Ariella presented
me with her creation with such joy. We have read
“Birthday Soup” over and over and OVER and OVER
again in the last few days. If you have a young
child, I bet you understand my emphasis here quite
well.
"Birthday Soup" captivates my daughter and has
definitely shaped her play. The influential nature of
media has had me thinking for quite a while as well
as culling children’s books around here. If nothing
else, by the simple act of repetition, children are
internalizing the language, story lines and pictures.
And I believe there is much more to it than the
repetition.
As we discuss in the Connection Parenting
Workshops,
children learn most everything by what they see,
hear and experience. The American writer
James Baldwin
sums
it up well: "Children have never been very good at
listening to their elders, but they never fail to
imitate them." In the beginning, parents are
children’s most prominent models. As children grow
older, though, most of us want to continue to
influence their lives. But how many of us parent
with the awareness that the level of guidance
children accept from us depends on their
attachment to us or, in other words, the amount of
connection they feel with us?
So
back to Little Bear as Ariella’s model du jour and
his cooking birthday soup for his friends. In spite
of reading it over and over, I do see why she loves
this story so much. It is an adorable tale as is the
first on in the book, “What Will Little Bear Wear?”
As a Family Communications Educator and Life Coach
who often focuses on guiding parents into greater
connection with children, I have often seen the
benefit of increasing awareness about communication
styles and parenting practices that do the opposite
of our intention, leading to disconnection with those
precious beings we love so much. So let’s do that
with Little Bear and his mother.
Like many of us, Mother Bear starts out as a loving
and supportive parent. It’s about half way through
the book that her ability to connect starts to break
down. Maybe she's tired and needs more support, more
information and more effective communication skills.
She definitely hasn't had any help in these stories.
According to Pam Leo, "Parenting was never meant to
be a one or two person job."
It’s in the book’s third story, “Little Bear Goes to
the Moon,” that her negative, limited and
disrespectful side starts to show. Mother Bear begins
telling Little Bear all of the things that he can’t
do. This culminates with her stating flatly why she
believes he can’t fly, which he has gone to the
extent of building a space helmet to do. “And maybe
you are a fat little bear cub with no wings and no
feathers,” she says.
Huh? Mamma Bear, where'd that come
from?
I wouldn’t want someone I love (or anyone for that
fact) to talk to me in that way. And what if they
did? Well, I certainly wouldn’t feel respected or
honored in our interaction. Nor would I feel
particularly inclined to cooperate with this person.
I would feel hurt and suspect. I would wonder if this
person is safe and worthy of trust with the big stuff
that this business of living tends to throw at me.
Hmmmm….Doubt it.
In
the last story, “Little Bear’s Wish” the scenario is
similar. Mother Bear again tells Little Bear that he
can’t have the wishes that he is daydreaming about
before going to sleep at night. What is it about this
“voice of reason” that compels people to negate and
direct other’s wishes and dreams? Would it not be
more loving for Little Bear to experience his mother
as someone who believes in him and hears all his
wishes without negating them, whether they are
reasonable or not? How different would it be growing
up close to someone who would talk to him about what
he is really thinking about, who for a moment will
allow herself to see through his eyes? Is Little Bear
learning an early lesson about Mother Bear's ability
to listen to him and be on his side?
Children need to experience a parent as an ally. Even
if it means adults setting aside that "voice of
reason" for a bit and really listening to children’s
hopes, dreams and fears, reasonable or not. Children
need parents who can empathize and support them. This
is one of the touchstones of safety and trust. A
child who can trust and feel safe with a parent is
much more likely to bring those ever more complicated
growing-up issues to them for discussion.
And what about Mother Bear? Could her parents have
treated her the same way? Probably. Could the
relationship between Little Bear and Mother Bear
suffer? Probably. Will Little Bear eventually tire of
Mother Bear’s negativity, degrading comments and
manipulations? I imagine so. And then what will he
do? Look for others to connect with and attach to,
usually peers who don’t qualify as the type of
guiding figures most parents want for their children?
Will Little Bear choose relationships that have the
same qualities as the one he’s running from?
It is not my intention to give Mother Bear a hard
time. In fact, I've had my own Mother Bear alter-ego
at times. Feeling depleted and not having enough
support is a one-way road into the bear's den. Mother
Bear probably wasn't getting her needs met either.
And I doubt she had any awareness of how her actions
may impact her child, nor even an awareness that
there is another way to parent. The parent must
receive what she is to give her child, in some way,
from somewhere, from someone. It is my hope that
Mother Bear finds that someone.
SIDEBAR: This book is part of the "I Can Read"
series, yet in no way am I advocating using these
books to teach very young children to
read.
The ever increasing pressure on children to
advance is developmentally risky business. We use
them as any other book for a two year old, to
enjoy the story and images.
Connecting with Children in the Everyday
yesterday: sunset: isham park: snowman.
So what does this maintaining connection stuff look like anyway? In the everyday, when things are going well and we don't even know were are at risk for flubbing it? I'm not talking about the obvious parenting challenges here. The ones we address in the NYC Connection Parenting Workshop Series or in the myriad reasons that parents may call a life coach. I'm talking about during average everyday experiences when we are on autopilot (ok, so we are usually on autopilot when we flub it under stress, too) and we aren't aware of how a child may interpret our actions.
Here's a snippet:
"Ohhhh!" My 2-year-old daughter calls out. "Snowman!" She stops abruptly and points at the white rectangle painted on the stone steps that wind down from Isham Park.
Well, who am I to tell her it isn't?
I hold on to the urge to "correct" her, to inform her about the world, to make sure she knows all the reasons why this can't and will never be a snowman, to teach her what this "really" is. To say "No."
I hold on tightly to that impulse that overtakes us adults. That compulsion to pull children from their world into our logical one, even when it may not be in their best interest to do so. This "No" is the one that makes her "wrong" and risks whittling away a small part of her child-like, creative, joyful being with the chisel of reality.
Instead, for that second, I give over to her and her snowman. I live with her in her moment in time, her world. I began to "see" through her eyes. Now I am her ally, the leader who understands her. I relax into connection.
"A snowman!" I say as I bend down. "What's he doing?"
"Sleeping."
"Can you show me?"
She points into the rectangle's whiteness.
"Do you want me to take a picture of him?"
"Yes." She seems content. My heart feels full.
We move on.